Every Tuesday on our Social Media sites, we bring you the very best tips for living your life!
JUICE Tip! Prison Wardens. Improve your performance statistics by not allowing ANY cakes into the jail at all. Birthday or no birthday.
JUICE Tip! Graffiti artists. Not enough time to spray what you want on walls? Buy some bricks, spray-paint them at home, then simply build a wall.
JUICE Tip! Avoid intrusive Paparazzi by never actually becoming famous. Dodge success at all costs!
JUICE Tip! No credit to text? Simply order a pizza and have it delivered to your friend’s house with a message arranged on it in cheese and ham.
JUICE Tip! Confuse elderly relatives by going to their house every day and insisting that it’s your weekly visit.
JUICE Tip! Do you enjoy hot crumpets but don’t enjoy the cost of cooking hot crumpets? Avoid pricey gas & electricity bills by inserting a series of lit matches into all of the crumpet’s tiny holes.
JUICE Tip! Do you have a surplus of sugar in the house? Have an extension built, then the builders will take care of all your sugary woes!
JUICE Tip! Put too much water in your kettle when making a cup of tea? Simply boil the kettle repeatedly until you’ve got the right amount.
JUICE Tip! Instead of buying car insurance AND cat insurance, save money by leaving your cat in the car at all times, classing it as ‘Contents’.
JUICE Tip! Air-Guitarists. Save money by down-sizing to an Air-Ukulele!
JUICE Tip! Women. Wash your hair in the morning-time. That way you won’t have to keep turning people down for dates.
JUICE Tip! Worm breeders. Instead of spending money on all those expensive female worms, simply cut your male worms in half.
JUICE Tip! Hipsters. Instead of using Instagram, simply flood your photograph with terrible, orange light until the image is ruined.
JUICE Tip! Parents. Save money by ripping the wings off a butterfly and leaving them under your child’s pillow. As they wake, inform them that they ate the Tooth Fairy in their sleep.
JUICE Tip! Has some little oik smashed your window with their football? Simply super-heat some sand, limestone, dolomite etc., then super-freeze the mixture to sub-zero temperatures and voila! A brand new sheet of glass!
JUICE Tip! Create your own darts board on a budget by nailing a pizza to the wall. Pepperonis are Doubles and little chunks of ham are Triples.
JUICE Tip! Avoid Jet-Lag when you finish your holiday by flying for three hours in the opposite direction!
JUICE Tip! Encourage yourself to save cash. Anytime you put a sum of money in the bank, reward yourself with a personalized & engraved trophy!
JUICE Tip Super-Heroes. Stop worrying about fatal battles with your arch-nemesis, as any death you do experience will only last 12 to 15 months.
JUICE Tip! Gamblers. Convince other players that you have really bad cards by wincing crying and then quitting the game.
JUICE Tip! Out of bacon? Simply cut thin slices off a joint of Gammon. No Gammon? Simply squeeze together 50 slices of ham.
JUICE Tip! Batman. Preserve your secret identity by NOT being a famous billionaire everyone would recognise without a mask.
JUICE Tip! If you can’t find a spoon, simply hold a fork under a naked flame until all the prongs melt together.
JUICE Tip! For a morning pick-me-up, try Meth Amphetamine. Whilst not as strong as Starbucks Double-Shot Espresso, it is significantly cheaper.
JUICE Tip! Clowns. Instead of terrifying the people you’re supposed to be entertaining, why not find a more suitable role. Such as serial killer or rapist.
JUICE Tip! Turn a potato waffle into a meal but inserting croutons into its square-holes.
JUICE Tip! Spies. Blend in to your surrounding by not wearing long, conspicuous trenchcoats. Try a fleece.
JUICE Tip! During an Earthquake, jump up and down to minimize the risk of injury by being in the air more.
JUICE Tip! Superman. Stop squeezing coal and turning it into diamonds to impress all the ladies, as this destabilizes the economy.
JUICE Tip! Dip a dummy in Brandy to soothe a crying baby. If they’re hurt, use four-fingers of Bourbon.
JUICE Tip! Never tell intergalactic smugglers the odds. They’re not keen on it.
JUICE Tip! Boots, The Chemist. Save money on your shop signs by shortening them to just say “Boots”. We all know that you’re a chemist.
JUICE Tip! Remember someone’s name by writing a song about them. The more popular the song is in the charts, the more likely you are to remember them.
JUICE Tip! Unemployed? Remember, homeopathy requires no knowledge or skill whatsoever! Hand onion-water to idiots and take their money!
JUICE Tip! Women can add an extra seven years to their lives by not writing “u look gorge babes!” on every single photo they see on Facebook.
JUICE Tip! Give yourself a long weekend by furiously quitting your job Friday morning, then re-applying for it on Tuesday under a pseudonym & false beard.
JUICE Tip! Students. Why not spend all day in Starbucks even if you DON’T like coffee? You can split a Frappachino between nine of you, and then occupy all the comfy seats!
JUICE Tip! Appreciate your home and possessions more by declaring yourself bankrupt and living as a tramp for ten years.
JUICE Tip! Transform your cordless phone into a “mobile” phone by moving house a lot.
JUICE Tip! Parents. Instead of buying your child that expensive Transformer toy, simply buy them a toy car AND a toy robot. Their imagination will do the rest.
JUICE Tip! Employees of The Daily Planet. Consider a new profession. ‘Investigative Journalism’ is not your strong suit.
JUICE Tip! Kids love a surprise. Buy them a Kinder Egg and tell them they’re adopted.
JUICE Tip! Managers. Improve productivity by keeping a lion in your office. No one wants a dressing-down from Mr. Fuzzy Claws.
JUICE Tip! Private Detectives. If business isn’t going well, start having affairs with married women.
JUICE Tip! Avoid that summer-time Hosepipe Ban by connecting a series of Calippo lolly tubes to your outside tap.
JUICE Tip! Wannabe Headbangers. Practice at home with soft-jazz and light head-wobbling before moving on to the hard stuff.
JUICE Tip! If you can’t afford Alphabetti Spaghetti, simply cut your Spaghetti Hoops on one side and then twist into your desired letter.
JUICE Tip! Criminals. Whilst Batman has a strict policy against using guns, he’s apparently fine with missiles, tanks & weaponized helicopters. So be careful.
JUICE Tip! Crazy people. Put a slug in your ear to convince people you’ve got Blue Tooth. Then you can talk bollocks to yourself all day long without fear of judgement.
JUICE Tip! Mobsters. Increase the fear of your cartel by taking credit for genuine ‘accidents’. People will pay through the nose to avoid being struck by lightning.
JUICE Tip! If you need to borrow £1 from a stranger for your bus-fare home, try telling them you want it for Smack.
JUICE Tip! Pirates. Instead of burying all your money on desert islands, why not spend it on things?
JUICE Tip! If you want to keep your place in the book you’re reading, tear out the page, fold it in half and leave it in place as a sort of “book mark”.
JUICE Tip! Parents. Instill in your children a firm belief in “God” and then, technically, you’re never leaving them unattended!
JUICE Tip! Make bananas by removing them from the peel before reaching the check-out.
JUICE Comedy 