Stand Up If You Dare

Helene Sandy Writes For JUICE
About Her First Foray Into Stand-Up

So you can make your friends laugh, but does it make you a stand up? Well to be blunt, no. there is a world of difference between being able to make your drunk friends laugh at a story they know some of the back ground to and who have the patience to listen as you ramble your way to the funny bit and the ability to make a room full of strangers laugh.

This is what I’ve learnt as I have taken my first steps into to the world of stand up.

I did my first set in Sydney in a dirty little pub in 2007. I don’t remember much about it other then I didn’t die on stage and people laughed and not just out of nervous politeness.

What will always stick with me from that night was the cocky little shit who had bragged that he didn’t need to write or rehearse because he was naturally funny and stuff would just come to him on stage. What I witnessed when he was on stage was a slow painful death, and an audience who had been totally alienated from the start. The worst thing was this guy didn’t even give it up as a bad job and finish up. For 15 painfully slow minutes he continued to try and eek one laugh out of an audience who wanted nothing more from him but silence and maybe a public beating.

I didn’t get back on stage till November last year. A friend told me about a stand up course that was being run in Stoke. The aim was to do 6 weeks of this course and learn all about stand up, finishing with a gig at a working mens club in Kidsgrove.

I applied and was offered a place. I was excited and looking forward to meeting like minded people who wanted to learn about being funny and there being a gig at the end of it.

What I met were 3 other women (and I’m please to say not a period/I hate men joke between us) and 9 government-hating, “we are so radical and political” people who met on a roundabout they were trying to save in Leek. They did not succeed in saving said roundabout.

Every week we went though writing, improvisation, working on stage presence, holding and using the mic, how to engage with the audience, how to get your set together. Every week members of this group would disrupt the class claiming that ‘everything would be alright on the night’ and “well we’re naturally funny”. I couldn’t believe the arrogance of this group of people.

The night of the show came round really very quickly. The comic who was running the course had managed to sort out the running order. He told us that there was no way he could have anyone follow one person so they would be going on last, not the best way to end a show, but no one was experienced enough to win the audience back after this person had rambled though 12 minutes of ill thought-out material that didn’t flow, make any sense or was FUNNY.

I’m really proud of what I managed to do that night. I crafted a good 7 minutes of material that I look back on and don’t cringe when I watch it.

I remember being introduced, taking the mic and all the nerves that I felt throughout the night drain away. I had to slow myself down on several occasions but the laughter that came from the 300 people that were in the room that night at my first joke was better then anything I have ever experience before. We were warned by the comic doing the course that you will forever be chasing that first gig buzz.

Was it alright on the night for the roundabout people? Well I think we all know the answer to this one. No, it wasn’t. For this simple reason they did not have any material, they talked in a way that didn’t engage their audience and they went on far too long.

Then came JUICE. I love JUICE Comedy. I’ve been to big arena tours where the comic has had to be on a big screen. Great, that cost me £35 quid, I could have waited for the DVD. Stand up needs to be in a small space where you can see your audience and they can see you with out the need for big screens

Sitting in the audience that night at JUICE the nervous feelings came back again and I questioned why I did this to myself. It became clear when I got that first laugh why I did it. This was a much better set then Kidsgrove but had worked on it. I looked at what was funny, what doesn’t work, can I get to this punchline quicker, is there another way to make this bit funny.

When I came off the stage friends were coming over to congratulate me, this is always nice. What was nicer was people I didn’t know coming over and telling me that they had enjoyed it. What was even nicer was the comics from that night coming over and telling me that they had enjoyed my set.

So gig number four, Glee Club Birmingham.

I had managed to get through to Stand Up If You Dare for Comic Relief. The week before the show we got to meet Jasper Carrott, do a bit of our set and get feedback from him. Randomly the 2 people that I had done the Kidsgove show with had also got through so it was nice having people backstage that I new and also sharing a lift. This meant we were also able to have a bitch about the other comics on the way home.

13 people performed that night. Before going on stage we had a bit of a pep talk from Jasper. It was mainly go out and enjoy yourself. Thankfully I had received a text from Mr Halden telling me that the audience was there to listen to me, I’m not there to fill time and that no comic I admired was ever afraid of silence. Jasper ended up nicking that last bit for his pep talk.

There were some amazingly funny people there that night. There were some average people there who had done mostly original material and nicked one or two jokes famous stand ups. Then there were the people who weren’t funny, they were just using the night to express their hatred of the immigrants and the gays in the thinly disguised joke, or the people who just weren’t funny. Shouting that, “Jasper liked this so you should” doesn’t tend to get the audience on side.

I wasn’t overly happy with my set. I had forgotten an important segue point. I was told that I covered it up well, but I didn’t feel that the set had gone as well as it had done at JUICE. Also for the first time I had been given a time limit. We were told that it was very simple and that the lights that were above our head would go red when we got to 5 minutes and would then flash when you got to 6 minutes. This is a really fool proof system. You just need to make sure that you are looking at the right set of lights and not the set of lights that are always on red.

So from these first gigs the main thing I have learnt is that it’s not the length it’s the quality (something I say to the boys all the time). Don’t be precious about your material. If it doesn’t work find a way to make it work, if that doesn’t work get rid of it.

The funniest bit of material you will ever think of will come to you at 4am. ALWAYS keep paper and pens by your bed, you will not remember it in the morning.

How To Go To The Cinema

Social situations can be tricky at the best of times and knowing how to behave in certain scenarios is key to becoming a functioning member of society. In this handy guide we take you through one of the most complex of all leisure activities, the terrifying act of Sitting Quietly Still In A Darkened Room For A Couple Of Hours Watching A Screen! …otherwise known as going to the cinema.

 Let’s make it really simple for you, we’ll ask some questions and our expert will give you the answers to your problems…

• Why are you at the Cinema?

There are many answers to this question, for example “I’m bored” or “I like popcorn” or even “Ryan Gosling is dreamy”. But only one is the right and true answer. The correct response is, ‘To See A Film’. If the answer is anything other than this simple desire then return immediately to your abode, you have made a terrible mistake and must rectify this by spending a time of quiet reflection on your own.

• When did you last eat a meal?

It has been proven (by scientists) that the human body can cope for nearly 3 hours without the need for any object (including all foodstuffs) to be placed in the mouth. Unless you have stumbled into the cinema and accidentally found yourself in a screening of a Peter Jackson film you will have the time necessary to see an entire movie in the cinema without dying of stomach wrenching hunger. Cinemas will try and confuse you by putting a myriad of noisy, crunchy, rattly foodstuffs right by the doors as you come in, but YOU DO NOT HAVE TO BUY THESE THINGS! You will be fine, you will survive and when the film has finished, maybe you can go for a meal in a place called a restaurant, these places actively encourage the act of eating, almost as if they were made for it.

• How sturdy is your bladder?

Scientist (Yes, the same ones as above) have proven that the human bladder can go almost four hours without needing to empty, in some scenarios this can be extended to as long as eight hours, although this often depends on how much liquid you have imbibed in the preceding hours. Again cinemas will try and confuse you by offering a week’s worth of beverage in one cup for your enjoyment, but as before, ignore them, it is a test. The best way to stop yourself from needing to visit the lavatory during the film is to empty your bladder immediately before entering the auditorium. It is also advisable to avoid drinking any fluids for the 48 hours preceding your chosen screening.

• What is the longest you have ever gone without checking your mobile phone?

If the answer is less than two hours you are incompatible with a cinema environment. Why not try a bowling alley, video game arcade or Discotheque, where your deficient mental capacity will feel better at home.

• How much do you like the people you go to the cinema with?

If these people are your best friends then they may be the appropriate people to enjoy a cinema trip with, however if they are the kind of friends you do not see very often (less than three times every week) then it may be better to reconsider their company. The cinema is a terrible place to go with anyone you have more than a simmering resentment for. If you do not view the cinema as an ideal opportunity to spend time with the suffering bores without having to actually converse with them, then maybe you would be better attending the cinema alone; which as we all know is the best way to attend a movie theatre.

• Are you aware that cinemas show trailers and adverts before a movie?

Cinemas need to make additional money. Some of this they make from those people who fail the food and drink tests set up in the foyer, those failing these tests will be made to pay fines of up to £20 for a small amount of sustenance with zero nutritional value. Another way they make money is by advertising products that you may wish to purchase and other films that you may like to see. Adverts and trailers are like death and taxes, they are unavoidable. No amount of sighing, moaning or complaining will change the fact that they are there and you must sit through them for sometimes as much as 20 minutes. You should consider this time as a warm-up for the film, ample time for you to practice being quiet, sitting still and not touching you mobile phone.

• How is your timekeeping?

Despite what we have said previously about trailers and adverts this is no excuse for turning up at the screening of your choice at any time after the BBFC certificate has been shown. Tardiness is the way of the devil, there are two excuses for being late in life: either you’re dead or a dead person has gotten in your way. If you are unfortunate enough to have been held up by a dead person and you arrive later than the designated start time for the film, most cinemas now show several films in several screens during the day, you could go and see one of those or you could always return home to think about the changes you need to make to your life to ensure you are never late again (learn to pole-vault over corpses?). If you insist on entering the screen late, then you must sit in the very first seat you come to, if you are uncomfortable or your view is terrible this will only help to enforce the importance of being on time in the future.

• How quickly do you like to vocalise your emotions?

An important skill when watching a film is to keep all of you thoughts in your head. It’s a bit like when at school they taught you to read silently, you think things rather than actually saying them. It is important to keep all of you thoughts about a film in your head not just throughout the film but for a full five minutes after the film has finished. This act will allow all of those around you who have mastered this skill to process all of their opinions on the film allowing them to form arguments to explain to you why your opinions on the film are wrong (and they are, they definitely are).

To finish why not try out the two challenges below, they are not easy so don’t be down heartened if you don’t get them right first time, remember going to the cinema is an extremely difficult undertaking. 

Scenario A:

A man walks into a room, you have never seen him before, there is nothing striking about this man, what do you do?

SOLUTION: You wait, someone else in the room may know him and will give you all the information you need to know about him, it will certainly come up before the end of your encounter. Under no circumstances must you ask the person next to you who this man is, why he is there and what his motives are. All will be revealed in time. 

Scenario B:

You suddenly realise that you recognise the man in the room, what do you do?

SOLUTION: You wait, again, you may remember in time who the man is, he may do a face you recognise from the previous time you were in his presence. Under no circumstances must you ask the person next to you where you have seen him before, or whether he was that man at that thing you were at previously, you certainly should not use your mobile phone to see if he is listed somewhere with all of his previous engagements.  

If you got both of these scenarios correct, can you think of a way they may be applicable in a cinema? Again, it’s not easy but with time you will master it.  

We hope these questions have helped to guide you through the complex labyrinth that is your local picture house (cinema).

Neil Reading is a prolific movie blogger, check out his reviews and opinions over at his website The Film Lounge

Movie Predictions

The following are films to be made after the 2012 Apocolypse. Civilization has ended and here is the proof.

Katherine Heigl in

‘Betraying Her Gender’

Heigl plays a pregnant, single-mother, bridesmaid who’s never been asked to get married despite a complete lack of character flaws and an entire make-up & Photoshopping industry dedicated to preserving her appearance.  There’s a baby-shower or a bridal-shower and a ‘bad-boy’ who is in no way an actual bad-boy because those have drug addictions and domestic violence convictions, and then all negative female stereotypes are reinforced for young girls and the addle-minded to aspire to.

 

Michael Bay’s ‘Flash Gordon’

Michael Bay continues his assault on your childhood by re-making the only thing in the history of the world that has yet to be re-made.  Unlike the fondly remembered original, this version will be completely stripped of any sense of camp fun.  Instead it’s a super-serious action movie full of macho posturing that takes place entirely up its own arse.  Being a Michael Bay film there will of course be an unnecessary shit-ton of helicopters.  As well as the Hawk-Men and Lizard-Men, there’ll be an alien race with dark skin who speak entirely in Ebonics, eat fried chicken, listen to rap music and make everyone in the audience feel really uncomfortable.  And Flash Gordon himself will be played by Channing Tatum, because that’s just the kind of fucking world we live in.

Tim Burton’s ‘Ookie Kookie’

what a wacky little goth he is

Oh God, it’ll be a fairy tale that he drenches in black & white costumes and face-paint to try and make it Dark and Gothic and Johnny Depp will be slumming it because of some secret blackmail material he can’t escape from and Helena Bonham Carter will desperately scream “I’M STILL YOUNG!” and her painful attempts to be quirky will be shit but no one will say anything because she’s too ugly to criticise and Danny Elfman will re-use that one score he wrote in 1989 and yet middle-class Burton Fangirls with shit tattoos will insist the movie is a classic.

 

Ryan Reynold’s is ‘Ambush Bug’

Reynolds will continue his unedending quest to play every-comic-book-character-ever in this $100 Million production about an obscure, third-rate, self-reflexive, comedic foil called Ambush Bug.  Will audiences be off-put by the character’s notorious meta-fictional narratives? Not at all! Just like all his movies, Ryan will transform this into sub-par rom-com for the brain dead.  And since Reynold’s plastic face and lack of human emotions stand out like a sore-thumb amongst living humans and real-world settings, all scenery and cast members will have to be replaced with CGI effects.

How To Go To The Pub

It’s that festive time of year when decent, honest boozers are plagued by non-drinkers. And not real non-drinkers, not people who don’t ever drink, they’re fine. We’re talking about people who don’t go near a pub for 11 months out of the year, the kind of awful human beings who buy their beer from supermarkets with the weekly shop, people who consume such a laughable quantity of alcohol that they can only be designated as “non-drinkers”.

Whether it’s the Christmas Work’s Do or a Festive Drink With Friends, you are ruining pubs for the rest of us. Everyone hates you. Every actual drinker in the pub hates you and all the serving staff hate you. You’re awful. Here’s a guide on how to not be quite so awful.

[Before we start it’s worth pointing out that this guide is NOT sexist and misogynistic, it’s just that 98% of these things apply almost exclusively to women, because women are so very bad at The Pub]

Do Not Approach The Bar Until You Know What You Want

• The bar is an intricate machine full of seperate-yet-interconnecting cogs. It is NOT the place to think or choose or decide. The engine only works if everyone knows their place and performs their function. Do you hear that collective groan as you ask the Bartender if they’ve got Cranberry Juice? Or as you turn around to ask Barbara what she wants to drink? That groan is you single-handedly sucking life away from your fellow drinkers. Make a decision first, then go to the bar and order what you’ve selected. Just like ANY OTHER FORM OF COMMERCE!

Don’t Start Drinking At 4pm

• You’re NOT a drinker. We haven’t seen you all year. You’re an amature, so don’t start out with a Marathon. You can’t just rock up to the Premier League one day saying “I’m Match Fit, lads!” This is why you’re puking and crying before nine o’clock at night.

You ARE In A Round

• I don’t care who you’re with, how many of you there are or how well you know them. You are in a Round with all the people you came in with. That’s how it works. You see those twenty-five loud, burly, drunken Rugby Players on the other side of the pub? They are a pleasure to serve compared to you. They order eight pints of lager, eight pints of Guiness, six pints of bitter and three Jack Daniels, then they pay the bill in one fell swoop. Your group orders ten drinks one-at-a-time and then pays for them all one-at-a-time as the rest of pub creeps closer to Death’s eternal grasp waiting for you to finish, despite the fact nine of you are drinking the same fucking drink and the last person, THE LAST PERSON, wants a Guiness putting on. Every single person waiting to get served wants your group to die in a complicated house fire.

Know Your Locale

• Look around you. What kind of drinking establishment are you in? Is it a pub or a bar? If there’s 85 lads watching football on the telly, stop trying to be a drunk, flirty attention-whore because it won’t work. If the walls are cluttered with offers of 6 Shots Of Neon Sourz For A Fiver, don’t try asking for that Single Malt whiskey you memorized from Mad Men. Equally, if it’s a pub adorned with wood furnishings and hand-pulls, stop trying to get the Landlord to make that shitty cocktail you saw on Sex And The City.

Look at them, they’re doing it right

Hot Girls Get Served First

• Welcome to Western Civilization.

iPhone Ettiquette

• Okay, the music isn’t great. It’s nothing to write home about. But it’s been specifically selected to offend the least amount of people. It’s background music. If you want anything else, then you want to be at a club or a gig. If, however, you’ve decided to “do the pub a favour” by blaring out a playlist from your iPhone, then you are a cunt. A prize, prize cunt.

Attracting Attention

• Newsflash: You are NOT next. You might have been in the bar queue longer than anybody else, but that doesn’t mean you’re next. Do y’know why? Because there are no Official Rules Of Queueing At The Bar. The Bartender is 100% in charge of who is next. So do not piss them off. Yes, they can see you. You do not need to bang your change on the top of the bar. You do not need to wave your money around in the air, as if you’re the only person in the room with a tenner (unless it’s a Strip Club). You especially do not need to click your fingers like a Parisian Cafe Prick or whistle like a Shepherd herding his flock.  These tactics will only achieve one outcome: no matter how long you’ve been waiting up until this point, you’ve just moved yourself to the back of the queue.

Preferential Treatment

• If an old bloke sat at the bar gets served before you do, and the Bartender knows him by name and even seems to know what he’s drinking before he orders it, just shut the fuck up. That’s Ray. Ray drinks here all the time. Ray drinks here five times a week, every week. Ray’s custom pays the bills. Ray and the other Regulars keep the pub open eleven months of the year whilst you’re having diner parties and bulk-buying booze from the supermarket. Yes, they get preferential treatment. Accept it and shut the fuck up.

Time Is Time

• Pubs don’t stop serving because they hate you (that’s a lie, sometimes they do) or because it’s funny or because they get bored of selling beer. It’s a legal requirement for them to stop serving at a designated time. Once Time is called, they are legally unable to sell anymore beer. You cannot cajole them into selling more, because it’s a legal requirement. You cannot bribe them into selling more, either with the promise of drinks or money, because it’s a legal requirement. You cannot reason or argue them into selling more, because it’s a legal fucking requirement.  “Who’s gonna know? There’s nobody around, I won’t tell anyone.” THAT’S HOW THE HOLOCAUST STARTED!

See you in twelve months, you fucking pricks.

To see the author pouring pints in person, visit The Market Vaults in Stafford.

An Open Letter To Rita Ora

Her desperation is palpable

by Rob Batchelor

I saw you on Never Mind the Buzzcocks, hit BBC1 pop music entertainment comedy panel show. You were joking around with reformed Twitter pest Jason Manford, and I get it. It was obvious. You’re the kind of person who’d be potentially interested in the idea of starting to think about JUICE Comedy. Maybe you’d had some thoughts towards collaborating on a project (or making a baby?). Maybe you just wanted to be friends. It may seem right to you but please, Rita, just stop. Rest assured: nobody at JUICE Comedy is interested. Absolutely no-one.

Please don’t be offended by these words. It doesn’t matter who wrote them because they were written in the wind – the wind that JUICE Comedy breaks on a daily basis. It’s a wind that says “Please Rita, or Ms. Ora (whichever name you prefer; it’s irrelevant for our current purposes), nobody wants you here. Don’t even think about harrassing us on the phone, emailing us, or leaving mournful answer phone messages. It’s beneath you, and it’s beneath us.”

Your songs are catchy, yes, that’s clear for all to see. “Carry On Partying Stoopid (COPS)”, “Party Time for All”, “Agree to Disagree”, “Don’t Stop Tomorrow”, “Undercover Party Girl”, “Party Time for All”, “Let’s be Sentimental (For a Moment)”, “Can’t Stop Partying”, “Party Time for All”, “Party Time”, “It’s Party Time”, “It’s the Party Time”, “Party Time for All” – all phenomenal party anthems (in fact my favourite song of yours is the little-heard album track “Phenomenal Party Anthems”). And yes, I admit, you do have a degree of singing ability – you can “carry a tune” – but as far as the relationship between Club Ora and JUICE Comedy goes, consider it a dead end. Not gonna happen. No way. The Ritamobile just turned down JUICE Comedy Lane and there’s a roadblock. Turn around, Miss Ora, and go back from whence you came. Nobody needs you here, not in that way anyway. Not in any way. I speak for everyone when I write these words, every single member of the JUICE Comedy family, without exception. Sorry.

My biggest fear is that you to take these words to heart. That’s not my intention, nor is it the intention of JUICE Comedy (being as we are, for the purposes of this letter, one and the same). This missive is here to put a stop to those rumours that could so easily start to circulate. We’d all hear them – Rita Ora-this and JUICE Comedy-that – and in my experience the best thing to do nip it in the bud right now, before it even begins.

I hope this letter reaches you, Rita, and I hope that you take it in the spirit in which it is intended. I (speaking as JUICE Comedy, which I represent in it’s entirety) apologise for any offense caused by this letter, but please leave us alone. Carry on your way.

To repeat: I speak for everyone at JUICE Comedy when I write these words.

Think of this letter as a rejection from an audition. I’m sure you’re stage school educated, or at least au fait with the audition process: a group of performers show up and ply their wares for a group of people considering making a project. This initial group is whittled down until the number of auditionees needed for the project is arrived at. Rita, you should consider yourself whittled. Whittled by JUICE.

Don’t feel brushed off by JUICE Comedy because really, it’s not like that at all. We can be friends, if you can solemnly promise to just keep it at that calm, collected level. I feel like being friends may be too much – maybe it would be better to remain acquaintances  Or strangers. The ball is in your court on this matter, and believe me it is a lovely court. Just not the sort of court that JUICE Comedy would be interested in playing on.

It’s not like you don’t have a career of your own to attend to! You have had enormous success with your many singles, and you have worked with Jay-Z. Jay-Z! Hova! That’s a big deal, if you like Jay-Z! You should concentrate on making your hit singles even hitter(?), because that would be a better use of your time. Treat everyone at JUICE Comedy (without exception, every single person) as you would a limb that has been lost in battle – it’s detached, and while there may still be a tingling sensation when you think about it, you know that it’s gone. Separate. In a hospital bin somewhere. Put us in the hospital bin of your mind, because we have already put you in ours (no offence). This doesn’t stop you admiring us from a distance, downloading the Podcasts etc., but please don’t try and contact us. It’s best that way. Really.

And you, Kristen Bell.