Social situations can be tricky at the best of times and knowing how to behave in certain scenarios is key to becoming a functioning member of society. In this handy guide we take you through one of the most complex of all leisure activities, the terrifying act of Sitting Quietly Still In A Darkened Room For A Couple Of Hours Watching A Screen! …otherwise known as going to the cinema.
Let’s make it really simple for you, we’ll ask some questions and our expert will give you the answers to your problems…
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Why are you at the Cinema?
There are many answers to this question, for example “I’m bored” or “I like popcorn” or even “Ryan Gosling is dreamy”. But only one is the right and true answer. The correct response is, ‘To See A Film’. If the answer is anything other than this simple desire then return immediately to your abode, you have made a terrible mistake and must rectify this by spending a time of quiet reflection on your own.
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When did you last eat a meal?
It has been proven (by scientists) that the human body can cope for nearly 3 hours without the need for any object (including all foodstuffs) to be placed in the mouth. Unless you have stumbled into the cinema and accidentally found yourself in a screening of a Peter Jackson film you will have the time necessary to see an entire movie in the cinema without dying of stomach wrenching hunger. Cinemas will try and confuse you by putting a myriad of noisy, crunchy, rattly foodstuffs right by the doors as you come in, but YOU DO NOT HAVE TO BUY THESE THINGS! You will be fine, you will survive and when the film has finished, maybe you can go for a meal in a place called a restaurant, these places actively encourage the act of eating, almost as if they were made for it.
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How sturdy is your bladder?
Scientist (Yes, the same ones as above) have proven that the human bladder can go almost four hours without needing to empty, in some scenarios this can be extended to as long as eight hours, although this often depends on how much liquid you have imbibed in the preceding hours. Again cinemas will try and confuse you by offering a week’s worth of beverage in one cup for your enjoyment, but as before, ignore them, it is a test. The best way to stop yourself from needing to visit the lavatory during the film is to empty your bladder immediately before entering the auditorium. It is also advisable to avoid drinking any fluids for the 48 hours preceding your chosen screening.
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What is the longest you have ever gone without checking your mobile phone?
If the answer is less than two hours you are incompatible with a cinema environment. Why not try a bowling alley, video game arcade or Discotheque, where your deficient mental capacity will feel better at home.
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How much do you like the people you go to the cinema with?
If these people are your best friends then they may be the appropriate people to enjoy a cinema trip with, however if they are the kind of friends you do not see very often (less than three times every week) then it may be better to reconsider their company. The cinema is a terrible place to go with anyone you have more than a simmering resentment for. If you do not view the cinema as an ideal opportunity to spend time with the suffering bores without having to actually converse with them, then maybe you would be better attending the cinema alone; which as we all know is the best way to attend a movie theatre.
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Are you aware that cinemas show trailers and adverts before a movie?
Cinemas need to make additional money. Some of this they make from those people who fail the food and drink tests set up in the foyer, those failing these tests will be made to pay fines of up to £20 for a small amount of sustenance with zero nutritional value. Another way they make money is by advertising products that you may wish to purchase and other films that you may like to see. Adverts and trailers are like death and taxes, they are unavoidable. No amount of sighing, moaning or complaining will change the fact that they are there and you must sit through them for sometimes as much as 20 minutes. You should consider this time as a warm-up for the film, ample time for you to practice being quiet, sitting still and not touching you mobile phone.
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How is your timekeeping?
Despite what we have said previously about trailers and adverts this is no excuse for turning up at the screening of your choice at any time after the BBFC certificate has been shown. Tardiness is the way of the devil, there are two excuses for being late in life: either you’re dead or a dead person has gotten in your way. If you are unfortunate enough to have been held up by a dead person and you arrive later than the designated start time for the film, most cinemas now show several films in several screens during the day, you could go and see one of those or you could always return home to think about the changes you need to make to your life to ensure you are never late again (learn to pole-vault over corpses?). If you insist on entering the screen late, then you must sit in the very first seat you come to, if you are uncomfortable or your view is terrible this will only help to enforce the importance of being on time in the future.
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How quickly do you like to vocalise your emotions?
An important skill when watching a film is to keep all of you thoughts in your head. It’s a bit like when at school they taught you to read silently, you think things rather than actually saying them. It is important to keep all of you thoughts about a film in your head not just throughout the film but for a full five minutes after the film has finished. This act will allow all of those around you who have mastered this skill to process all of their opinions on the film allowing them to form arguments to explain to you why your opinions on the film are wrong (and they are, they definitely are).
To finish why not try out the two challenges below, they are not easy so don’t be down heartened if you don’t get them right first time, remember going to the cinema is an extremely difficult undertaking.
Scenario A:
A man walks into a room, you have never seen him before, there is nothing striking about this man, what do you do?
SOLUTION: You wait, someone else in the room may know him and will give you all the information you need to know about him, it will certainly come up before the end of your encounter. Under no circumstances must you ask the person next to you who this man is, why he is there and what his motives are. All will be revealed in time.
Scenario B:
You suddenly realise that you recognise the man in the room, what do you do?
SOLUTION: You wait, again, you may remember in time who the man is, he may do a face you recognise from the previous time you were in his presence. Under no circumstances must you ask the person next to you where you have seen him before, or whether he was that man at that thing you were at previously, you certainly should not use your mobile phone to see if he is listed somewhere with all of his previous engagements.
If you got both of these scenarios correct, can you think of a way they may be applicable in a cinema? Again, it’s not easy but with time you will master it.
We hope these questions have helped to guide you through the complex labyrinth that is your local picture house (cinema).
Neil Reading is a prolific movie blogger, check out his reviews and opinions over at his website The Film Lounge
JUICE Comedy 