JUICE Comedy
Stafford's premier comedy club
Monthly Archives: June 2013
Top Tips
Every Tuesday on our Social Media sites, we bring you the very best tips for living your life!
JUICE Tip!
Prison Wardens. Improve your performance statistics by not allowing ANY cakes into the jail at all. Birthday or no birthday.
JUICE Tip!
Graffiti artists. Not enough time to spray what you want on walls? Buy some bricks, spray-paint them at home, then simply build a wall.
JUICE Tip!
Avoid intrusive Paparazzi by never actually becoming famous. Dodge success at all costs!
JUICE Tip!
No credit to text? Simply order a pizza and have it delivered to your friend’s house with a message arranged on it in cheese and ham.
JUICE Tip!
Confuse elderly relatives by going to their house every day and insisting that it’s your weekly visit.
JUICE Tip!
Do you enjoy hot crumpets but don’t enjoy the cost of cooking hot crumpets? Avoid pricey gas & electricity bills by inserting a series of lit matches into all of the crumpet’s tiny holes.
JUICE Tip!
Do you have a surplus of sugar in the house? Have an extension built, then the builders will take care of all your sugary woes!
JUICE Tip!
Put too much water in your kettle when making a cup of tea? Simply boil the kettle repeatedly until you’ve got the right amount.
JUICE Tip!
Instead of buying car insurance AND cat insurance, save money by leaving your cat in the car at all times, classing it as ‘Contents’.
JUICE Tip!
Air-Guitarists. Save money by down-sizing to an Air-Ukulele!
JUICE Tip!
Women. Wash your hair in the morning-time. That way you won’t have to keep turning people down for dates.
JUICE Tip!
Worm breeders. Instead of spending money on all those expensive female worms, simply cut your male worms in half.
JUICE Tip!
Hipsters. Instead of using Instagram, simply flood your photograph with terrible, orange light until the image is ruined.
JUICE Tip!
Parents. Save money by ripping the wings off a butterfly and leaving them under your child’s pillow. As they wake, inform them that they ate the Tooth Fairy in their sleep.
JUICE Tip!
Has some little oik smashed your window with their football? Simply super-heat some sand, limestone, dolomite etc., then super-freeze the mixture to sub-zero temperatures and voila! A brand new sheet of glass!
JUICE Tip!
Create your own darts board on a budget by nailing a pizza to the wall. Pepperonis are Doubles and little chunks of ham are Triples.
JUICE Tip!
Avoid Jet-Lag when you finish your holiday by flying for three hours in the opposite direction!
JUICE Tip!
Encourage yourself to save cash. Anytime you put a sum of money in the bank, reward yourself with a personalized & engraved trophy!
JUICE Tip
Super-Heroes. Stop worrying about fatal battles with your arch-nemesis, as any death you do experience will only last 12 to 15 months.
JUICE Tip!
Gamblers. Convince other players that you have really bad cards by wincing crying and then quitting the game.
JUICE Tip!
Out of bacon? Simply cut thin slices off a joint of Gammon. No Gammon? Simply squeeze together 50 slices of ham.
JUICE Tip!
Batman. Preserve your secret identity by NOT being a famous billionaire everyone would recognise without a mask.
JUICE Tip!
If you can’t find a spoon, simply hold a fork under a naked flame until all the prongs melt together.
JUICE Tip!
For a morning pick-me-up, try Meth Amphetamine. Whilst not as strong as Starbucks Double-Shot Espresso, it is significantly cheaper.
JUICE Tip!
Clowns. Instead of terrifying the people you’re supposed to be entertaining, why not find a more suitable role. Such as serial killer or rapist.
JUICE Tip!
Turn a potato waffle into a meal but inserting croutons into its square-holes.
JUICE Tip!
Spies. Blend in to your surrounding by not wearing long, conspicuous trenchcoats. Try a fleece.
JUICE Tip!
During an Earthquake, jump up and down to minimize the risk of injury by being in the air more.
JUICE Tip!
Superman. Stop squeezing coal and turning it into diamonds to impress all the ladies, as this destabilizes the economy.
JUICE Tip!
Dip a dummy in Brandy to soothe a crying baby. If they’re hurt, use four-fingers of Bourbon.
JUICE Tip!
Never tell intergalactic smugglers the odds. They’re not keen on it.
JUICE Tip!
Boots, The Chemist. Save money on your shop signs by shortening them to just say “Boots”. We all know that you’re a chemist.
JUICE Tip!
Remember someone’s name by writing a song about them. The more popular the song is in the charts, the more likely you are to remember them.
JUICE Tip!
Unemployed? Remember, homeopathy requires no knowledge or skill whatsoever! Hand onion-water to idiots and take their money!
JUICE Tip!
Women can add an extra seven years to their lives by not writing “u look gorge babes!” on every single photo they see on Facebook.
JUICE Tip!
Give yourself a long weekend by furiously quitting your job Friday morning, then re-applying for it on Tuesday under a pseudonym & false beard.
JUICE Tip!
Students. Why not spend all day in Starbucks even if you DON’T like coffee? You can split a Frappachino between nine of you, and then occupy all the comfy seats!
JUICE Tip!
Appreciate your home and possessions more by declaring yourself bankrupt and living as a tramp for ten years.
JUICE Tip!
Transform your cordless phone into a “mobile” phone by moving house a lot.
JUICE Tip!
Parents. Instead of buying your child that expensive Transformer toy, simply buy them a toy car AND a toy robot. Their imagination will do the rest.
JUICE Tip!
Employees of The Daily Planet. Consider a new profession. ‘Investigative Journalism’ is not your strong suit.
JUICE Tip!
Kids love a surprise. Buy them a Kinder Egg and tell them they’re adopted.
JUICE Tip!
Managers. Improve productivity by keeping a lion in your office. No one wants a dressing-down from Mr. Fuzzy Claws.
JUICE Tip!
Private Detectives. If business isn’t going well, start having affairs with married women.
JUICE Tip!
Avoid that summer-time Hosepipe Ban by connecting a series of Calippo lolly tubes to your outside tap.
JUICE Tip!
Wannabe Headbangers. Practice at home with soft-jazz and light head-wobbling before moving on to the hard stuff.
JUICE Tip!
If you can’t afford Alphabetti Spaghetti, simply cut your Spaghetti Hoops on one side and then twist into your desired letter.
JUICE Tip!
Criminals. Whilst Batman has a strict policy against using guns, he’s apparently fine with missiles, tanks & weaponized helicopters. So be careful.
JUICE Tip!
Crazy people. Put a slug in your ear to convince people you’ve got Blue Tooth. Then you can talk bollocks to yourself all day long without fear of judgement.
JUICE Tip!
Mobsters. Increase the fear of your cartel by taking credit for genuine ‘accidents’. People will pay through the nose to avoid being struck by lightning.
JUICE Tip!
If you need to borrow £1 from a stranger for your bus-fare home, try telling them you want it for Smack.
JUICE Tip!
Pirates. Instead of burying all your money on desert islands, why not spend it on things?
JUICE Tip!
If you want to keep your place in the book you’re reading, tear out the page, fold it in half and leave it in place as a sort of “book mark”.
JUICE Tip!
Parents. Instill in your children a firm belief in “God” and then, technically, you’re never leaving them unattended!
JUICE Tip!
Make bananas by removing them from the peel before reaching the check-out.
JUICE Facts!
Monday is full of JUICE Facts over on our Social Media sites! So Follow us on Facebook & Twitter for some essential trivia!
Sunday Share
This week’s Sunday Share features the marvelous Phil Ellis! You can see Phil LIVE in Stafford on Tuesday night, when he brings a Preview of his Edinburgh Show to Number 15! Contact us for tickets!
Thursday 6th June 2013
Well, Dear Reader, we’ve been extremely busy these last few weeks, with a big show at the Gatehouse Theatre, our penultimate grassroots comedy night at Joxer Brady’s and preparation for next Tuesday’s Edinburgh Previews! This edition of the J-blog will take you behind-the-curtain!
Last Friday night we returned to The MET Studio with a really brilliant line-up of comedians. We love these shows, we get to gather our favourite comedians together and share them with the rest of Stafford. It’s a genuine joy to put these excellent comedians on in a brilliant room like The MET, in front of a lovely audience who are enthusiastic about stand-up comedy.
Opening the show was Katie Mulgrew, a talented and engaging storyteller who we’ve been trying to book for years! Katie performed a number of times at our New Act / New Material Night in Joxer Brady’s, and even took part in our ill-fated, grimey gigs at The Bird In Hand. Since then we’ve had Katie on the books to perform at a number of gigs, but fate and ill-health over the years conspired against us, and it never came to be. So this time, when Katie came down with the flu mid-week we were convinced it was the universe conspiring against us! But Katie fought on like a trooper and performed for us, snot-and-all. She was the perfect act to bring the audience together, warm them all up and kick the show off with aplomb.
Also on the bill was new comic by the name of Graham Milton. Graham is just getting his start in stand-up, but we’ve been really impressed by his smart and funny material. When he arrived at the theatre, Graham confessed that he’d died at a pub-gig the previous night and was very nervous. We reassured him that The MET would be very different from a belligerent pub audience. It was rewarding to give Graham the chance to have a really good gig just 24 hours after having a really crappy gig. Graham took to the stage and was really on-form, winning the audience and earning big laughs.
Our Headline Act for the night was the very talented Danny Deegan. JUICE first saw Danny on a bill in Saltaire, then again at The Comedy Store in Manchester, and we’ve wanted to book him ever since. A swaggering, entertaining performer, Danny is a comedian at the top of his game and really delivered for us.
But perhaps the star turn of the night came from Fern Brady. Fern is an act who came highly recommended to JUICE by Kiri Pritchard-McLean, a comedian and producer who really knows her shit when it comes to stand-up. Fern performed for us last year at Cocktails & Comedy, but since then she has really evolved and improved as a comic. Whilst her caustic wit is as sharp ever, her delivery has become deft. Fern has also devoleped the ability to bring the audience alongside as she cuts various figures and institutions down to size. Rather than feeling like a comedian ranting at the listener, Fern puts her arm around the audience’s shoulders and takes them with her through her performance.
As ever, Paul Savage returned as our Host & Compere. Paul is able to forge a bond with virtually any audience over the course of a comedy show, and this has only been heightened by making him the Resident MC for all our shows at The MET. Paul’s natural warmth is a huge asset to any comedy night. He wants the audience to have a good time and manages to perfectly convey that onstage.
Click here for an alternative review of the evening by the Staffordshire Newsletter.
Monday night was our penultimate New Act / New Material Night at Joxer Brady’s, and it was chock-full of talent. The talented Aaron Twitchen delivered a new routine in preparation of his Edinburgh Show in a month’s time. Rob Kemp returned to deliver another deconstruction of stand-up. Kemp is a young, unpolished comic who is developing a very interesting voice in the world of comedy, certainly one JUICE is keeping a close eye on.
Being our second-to-last show at our homeground, we put the feelers out to any old friends who have gone on to great success who might want to return. Matt Tiller did a number of performances for JUICE in our early days, and even took part in one of our shows at the down-and-dirty Bird In Hand. Since then Matt has gone on to have great success, taking two acclaimed shows to the Edinburgh Festival before segueing into an even bigger career. Matt has become a TV producer and director, developing a number of shows for television and working as the Executive Producer on BBC 2’s Hebburn. We were thrilled when Matt agreed to return to his roots and give us a special performance of his old set.
Sadly this entire first section of three comedians was mirred by a group of noisy customers on the other side of pub, who merriment was drowning out the comedy for a number of the audience. There was nothing malicious about the group in question, they weren’t trying to derail the show, it was just an unfortunate consequence of running a comedy night in the back of pub.
After a short break the noisy group left and the show ran much more smoothly. Dave Pitt and Jack Kirwan had nice turns (both are developing their styles), Rob Thomas had to put down a couple of loud chatters at the bar but did so with aplomb. Chris McIlroy came across with great stage presence and seems to have put a lot of work into his persona.
James Hately finished the show off with a wonderful piece of surreal comedy, throwing dozens of unique and interesting ideas at the audience in a small space of time. James is always a beautiful counter-point to a succession of traditional stand-ups, and a nice way to end the evening.
It’s certainly going to be sad when we have our final ever comedy night at Joxer Brady’s on 1st July, and it’s certainly going to be strange when we start running the monthly show over at Number 15. However, the change of venue will allow us to improve the show and correct some of the issues that have cropped up over the years. For example, at Number 15 the only people in the venue will be the audience that we bring to it. So never again will we have a noisy group of other customers spoiling the show for the audience.
Speaking of Number 15, we’re back there on Tuesday night with the second of our exciting Edinburgh Preview Shows. Talented professional comedians Phil Ellis and Katie Mulgrew will both be bringing their solo shows to Stafford on the way up to the world’s biggest arts festival in Edinburgh. Click here to find out more!
Sunday Share!
JUICE Comedy 